The aliens are coming! Donald Trump and locusts vs. Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Not now, hostile aliens!

Every summer, we all think it’s going to be nothing but rosé on a terrace and, well, more rosé on a terrace — and then the news kicks us in the face.

Older readers may remember that in 2019, Antonio Tajani wrote to Jean-Claude Juncker (Tajani and Juncker being in charge of the European Parliament and European Commission, respectively, feels a very long time ago, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth) on July 13 to tell him not to bother the Parliament until September. Happy days.

But most years, the news rolls on all summer. For example, Donald Trump has been in Scotland, treating Ursula von der Leyen and the EU in general in the way that a cat would treat a dead mouse it found in the garden, before making Keir Starmer sit through a 90-minute rant about Epstein island and wind farms. Who says our politicians don’t earn every cent/penny of their massive salaries.

Meanwhile Ukraine — as if it hasn’t suffered enough! — is being invaded by a plague of locusts (just in case you were thinking that only three of the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse were hard at work).

Oh, and there’s a massive alien spaceship heading towards us! Yes, a mysterious intergalactic object could be an alien craft hellbent on our destruction that is set to attack us in November (considering the state of the world, maybe they could hurry up). The word could in that sentence is doing some of the heaviest lifting since Atlas as it’s based on a study by three researchers including Avi Loeb, a Harvard astrophysicist known for linking extraterrestrial objects to alien life. The report says that in November, the craft will be hidden from view by the Sun, which could be “intentional to avoid detailed observations from Earth-based telescopes.” Or it could be that it’s harder to see things when they are obscured from view by other, bigger things.

Still, Declassified is known for getting hard-hitting scoops (are you sure about that? — ed) and managed to contact the captain of the alien craft, Martin Martian. He faxed over the following statement:

Hello, earthlings.

You may have read reports about an interstellar object hurtling through your solar system. Well, that’s where I work with my fellow alien explorers, on board 3I/ATLAS. I know, I know, it’s a rubbish name. We wanted to call it Spacey McSpaceface but we couldn’t get approval from the Space Council in time. The leader of the planet 55 Cancri e is a skeptic, a bit like your Viktor Orbán but with three heads, and wouldn’t sign off on the name change.

I digress. My name is Martin and I’m an alien. And my colleagues were planning to invade Earth around November. That timing is down to a couple of reasons; first, that’s when we’ll be in the best position to strike; and second, we’re growing mustaches to fit in with your Movember custom of not shaving.

We have already made contacts on Earth. We spent a long time talking to a guy called Elon Musk (sweetly, he named his son X Æ A-12, which is the most common name in the Andromeda Galaxy where I was born) but he’s been acting strangely of late, so we’ve backed off a bit.

We also have aliens living among you on your planet. Donald Trump is one of ours, though I did warn him not to have the same hue as the people on his home planet KELT-4 A b (one of the orange gas giants). Mind you, Trump has been very successful in implementing our mission of destabilizing global trade. Oh, and the locusts in Ukraine are ours too (many extraterrestrials eat them topped with mayonnaise, like the Belgians do).

Alas, not all our spies on your planet have integrated so successfully; our Liz Truss robot droid had to be recalled because it was malfunctioning. We also infiltrated something called the European Committee of the Regions because it sounded important, but it turns out that was a mistake.

However, our entire plan could be destroyed, as I see you humans are mobilizing a powerful force, a meeting of minds that could protect the planet from even the most capable fighting force in the universe: Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau. She’s already been in space this year to keep watch on alien lifeforms, and he once called Trump’s trade war “very dumb.” In our language — which is a bit like Luxembourgish — “very dumb” is the highest form of insult.

Anyway, see you in November!

Best,
Martin Martian

CAPTION COMPETITION

“Who the heck is this guy and why can’t he even do a thumbs-up correctly?”

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“See? I am wearing your colors, Emmanuel. We could have been in perfect sync had you put on a yellow shirt and a red tie.“

by Eschel Alpermann