Le Roi et moi! Macron (and 90+ penises) make British trip

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Hello! Older readers may remember me as the long-time writer of this column. I’m now back from a spell doing public relations for Meghan Markle. Massive thanks to the brilliant Giulia Poloni (as well as the great Mari Eccles, Matt Honeycombe-Foster, Ben Munster and Eddy Wax) for writing Declassified in my absence. Giulia will be back with you next week and then it’ll be me again until the end of time.

Congratulations to Emmanuel Macron and Keir Starmer, who are facing off in the semi-final of the prestigious World’s Most Unpopular Leader competition.

Macron has been on a state visit to the U.K., meeting Starmer as well as King Charles. The visit included a banquet at Windsor Castle during which Macron was served beans on toast followed by turkey twizzlers and then spotted dick for dessert, washed down with seven pints of snakebite.

Back in 2023, Charles was supposed to visit France but it was canceled after Macron forced through an unpopular pensions reform and his people responded by setting the country on fire — as is the French way. It was decided that a multi-millionaire, unelected Brit of German origin in a fur-lined cape and a crown was perhaps not the right person to calm the tension.

Macron’s visit coincided with news that the Bayeux Tapestry — which depicts events leading up to the conquest of England by William, Duke of Normandy in 1066 — is set to be displayed in the British Museum (home of all things British and definitely not a lot of stolen stuff, oh no).

In return, the French will get Liz Truss to put in a glass display case at the Musée de l’Absinthe in Auvers-sur-Oise.

The Bayeux Tapestry may be centuries old but it’s still causing controversy. In April, historian Christopher Monk claimed to have found an extra penis on the tapestry, taking the total number of embroidered penises to 94. But professor George Garnett was having none of it and said that it’s the scabbard of a sword, not another penis, so the total should remain at 93. Whoever wins that fight will be given the Nobel Penis Prize.

Even before he arrived this week, Macron had annoyed the right-wing populist Reform party, with Nigel Farage’s deputy calling the French president’s failure to schedule a meeting “an outrageous and deliberate snub.” While Reform is polling strongly, it does have only four MPs out of 650.

Also, Macron and Farage would hate each other’s taste in alcohol (among other things). In a blind wine-tasting test, Macron correctly identified a Bordeaux Blanc and a Côteaux d’Aix en Provence rosé. Farage once launched a range of gins that “taste of Brexit.”

To annoy Farage further, Macron made the journey from France in a small boat!

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