Brussels to Mykonos: The great European vanishing act

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

As temperatures rise and legislation stalls, Europe’s political class does what it does best in July: vanishes. With sunscreen in hand and crises on pause, the continent’s politicians are heading for beaches and vineyards, leaving Brussels to the pigeons and interns. Democracy will resume. Eventually.

The only exception might be Commission President and Queen of the civil servants, Ursula von der Leyen: She optimistically thought that surviving a no-confidence vote in the European Parliament would mark the start of her summer break, but her beach plans were delayed.

While her staff had probably penciled in a week of “strategic recovery” on a discreet Greek island, the EU budget refused to cooperate. With member states bickering over green spending, defense funds, and leftover cash like tourists fighting for the last sun lounger, Her Majesty Ursula remained anchored in Brussels a little longer. There’s no recess from responsibility — though sources say she was spotted wistfully eyeing a Ryanair flight to Santorini throughout the talks.

And speaking of that no-confidence vote, Parliament President and VdL’s favorite frenemy Roberta Metsola also made an appearance. She had the thankless task of chairing the debate — doing actual work! In July! In Brussels! Uncroyable — which translates to spending most of her time trying to get rowdy MEPs to shut up. Surely Metsola’s favorite way to start the summer, one imagines.

But now that the shouting’s died down, President Metsola can finally head off to Malta’s beaches, swapping political chaos for cocktails — proving that even Europe’s most patient leaders know when it’s time to log off.

After all, mid-July marks the end of the first semester in Brussels, meaning that both the European Commission and Parliament enter their seasonal shutdown: 80 percent of staff on leave, 15 percent pretending to telework from Ligurian terraces, and 5 percent still trapped in the Berlaymont, wondering if the elevators are political metaphors and questioning most of their life choices.

The EU machine, ever forward-looking, is officially gearing up for its annual period of strategic horizontal reflection: August.

In Plux, pigeons have resumed full sovereignty. Cafés report record sales of rosé and low political ambition. The same out-of-office auto-reply from most DGs simply reads: “The Single Market is tanning. Try again in September.”

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